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Just some ranting

I had to update it a bit the next day because i had more to write about, and hopefully y'all don't mind. There were some weird typos i had to change too. Umm also, if you haven't noticed. I kept republishing the post not because i want publicity, but because i was desperately trying to find a way to password protect this post.

We live in a society where most, not all, people get everything they want.

I'm so sorry, i don't even know how to start this post while trying to be as real as possible without sounding like i want to offend people or that i want sympathy. I don't want any of that. I don't even need anyone to read this post, i just want a space where i can openly express myself  because i can't in real life. Firstly, i'm actually quite an emotional person, but i just don't know how to express it...properly. All i know is to laugh and cry. I absolutely don't like crying in front of people, i personally think that is downright embarrassing. Most of the time i'm seen laughing, cracking up really lame jokes, and sometimes some of my friends see me having some sort of breakdown in school. It's never in the middle, i'm never happy without laughing extremely loud or sounding like a seal, and i'm never really "medium" sad. When I'm happy, you know i'm really happy. When i'm sad, well, you get it.

Now that i've cleared some background info about me, lets start this post. Just like the first sentence says, most people get everything they want. I'm not even talking materialistically, money or item related matters. I'm talking about having people to rely on. Having someone that you're totally comfortable crying in front of. I don't think many people are comfortable with crying in public, but sometimes, i just feel like i have no one. I really don't like people to pity me when i say this, on my public blog, that is. I don't want sympathy. I don't need someone to come talk to me after they've seen this post, because it makes me slightly uncomfortable. I'm just not used to talking about my personal feelings with people.

I don't have many friends, and i am fine with the couple of close friends that i have with me, and i have family. I have my mum, my dad and my sister. I think I am very lucky to at least be able to have these people in my presence most of the time. They're great, everyone's great. I have friends that are able to make me happy with their jokes and some are really really nice, and my family is pretty understanding too. I swear i just love people who are always super humorous. But sometimes i have problems i keep to myself, like friendship problems, or when i feel really upset. I don't really like talking to my normal friends about these because, well, they're humorous, they're people that aren't very concerned with emotions like i am. They just don't seem willing to let their guard down and have a heart to heart talk with me. That's what i really require actually, people who can be humorous and are open with me for heart to heart talks.

My best friends are usually on the funny or super clumsy that its hilarious side, and i have to admit that whenever i want to talk to someone about my well being, they don't really seem to care or that they just don't seem interested. I don't talk to my family about my problems because, my sister is kind of too young to understand things, and my parents don't see that side of me, and i'm not willing to open up to them about my personal problems. Honestly, sometimes i even get into arguments with some of my friends about this as it usually seems like they don't care at all, but when they need help i'm always helping them. Right now i seem like a brat that always does things for people just to get something in return, but i'm not calculative. If you were too much of a good friend to someone and they aren't to you, won't you be tired? Won't you be pissed? Upset? I'm not even trying to get something out of it, i just find it super unfair that some people get all the love and care in their lives and some just get none.

Since i'm not someone that likes to openly show my sadness in front of people, i'm usually extremely happy. And that's for real, its not like i'm faking a smile. When i laugh, its sincere, its not fake. But when i'm not in public, when i'm alone, i start to think. I start questioning my existence and everything around me, why is it that some people expect so much of me but they give absolutely nothing? Why is it that some people are so lucky, that they have everything in this world? Why are some people so kind and selfless towards everyone, but we hardly come across these type of people? 
This, is why i don't like to be alone. I'm not afraid of being alone, i'm afraid of the thoughts that consume me when i'm alone. It's like my thoughts are just trying to kill me on the inside when there's no one to make me laugh. Sometimes i wonder, wouldn't it be best to not feel? To have no problem in this world? Wouldn't it be best to live alone, without any problems bothering you? Why do many fear death? Isn't it a final save at having to hurt so much in this lifetime? What even happens when we die?

It's so funny, because i have had some friends that would come up to me when they see that i'm alone. They would be like "Why do you look so sad?" or sometimes "Why do you look so pissed?". The main reason why, is because all those thoughts are running through my head, and they don't know. I mean i do have a slight bitch face which would explain my "pissed off face" but most of the time its because i'm thinking too much. It does help though, when people come up to me and interrupt my thoughts, because that, and maybe gaming or laughing are probably the only ways to keep me from overthinking.

So it looks as if i'm taking my happiness for granted, and honestly, i think i am. I'm overwhelmed with all this sadness, and i've only just lived for, like a decade and a half. I really appreciate it when people try to make me laugh and everything because its really the only thing that keeps me busy from being sad. At the same time, i feel really unappreciative even though i try to accept what i have and that i am very fortunate, but sometimes everything just comes crashing down and i don't know what to do.

I'm so sorry if you've read till the end and you feel like i'm nagging to much or that i'm such a brat, but if that's what you think of me, then be it. If i don't know you,  then i probably can't change this first impression you have of me. If i do know you, then, well, i'm glad at least someone finally knows how i truly feel about everything. It actually took me a lot of courage to type out this post after a long time, and it finally feels like i have one less burden right now. This post took months, different parts of it in many different drafts, and having a hard time just clicking "publish". Sorry if i wasted your time, but really, you didn't have to read this.


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