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What i've learnt from turning 15

My birthday was just a few days ago, and i thought I'd make a post on it. It's just a short compilation on the things i have realised and learnt this year. I actually planned for this post to be published on my birthday. I even aimed for this post to contain 15 things I've learnt, but because of my awful planning skills and not being able to remember my ideas, here are 3! lololololol

1. To me, being 15 is kind of confusing. Its like a liminal stage between knowing that you're still a kid, with lots more to experience in life, or the fact that you need to be more mature because you're going to be treated like a young adult. I think about this a lot actually, sometimes I'm not really sure when i should transition into that "young adulthood" stage without having people say I'm such a bore, or that i should let loose a little.

The word "mature", is also somewhat subjective. In my case, being mature means that i am able to rely mostly on myself, being able to control my temper, my inappropriate jokes, and possibly cut off all things fun in life. I'd be professional, and making friends would maybe just maybe be alright, we'd have espressos at fancy dimly-lit coffee shops, and talk about the weather.

You'd think I'm getting the word "mature" all wrong, and I'm possibly wrong. I'm still 15, what do i know about being mature?

2. So... you know how society sometimes make us believe that girls can only beautiful with a flawless face or skimpy outfits, or that guys are only perfect when they have defined six pack abs or those breathtaking eyes of theirs?

Okay, this is so cliche, but all that? All that about how beings like us are only perfect if we follow society's rules? I'm being honest here, but that doesn't always apply! I know many girls and guys that are no where near society's standards, but they have such great personalities that make people stay with them. There's always this something that everyone has, that makes people go crazy over them. I know people who are deemed chubby in this society, but make the best jokes, and cares the most. And people like them for it. There are also the ones who may have low self esteem, but are the kindest of the kind. They are able to help people with their amazing advice, and teach people, inspire people. 

I'm not trying to say that the people who follow the society's standards aren't perfect, they are, in their own ways, but i do admire some that go all out just to make people like them. It's good, and bad actually. It actually takes courage, to try and impress people like that. But I'm just saying, it doesn't always have to be like that. Being original, being yourself, is really important too. It's beyond amazing that you are able to stay yourself despite peer pressure or feeling like you haven't met the "standards"

Most importantly, if you want to change certain things about yourself, or you want to stay the same, do it for you.

3. This might be more negative to me than it seems, but you can't hide things. I'm not even saying that you can hide things to a certain extent, or that its possible to hide something from someone for a lifetime. I believe that hiding things is really impossible, unless you're a great liar, but I'm not. I can't hide for shit, i can't lie and i can't handle the feeling of guilt.

Hiding, lying, they both make you feel super guilty. I can't handle that shit anymore. I also realised that i can't be alone with my thoughts. My thoughts and my mind consumes me. It makes me terrified, paranoid, guilty, heartbroken. It's scarier to me than you think. Especially at night, I'm in my room alone. The lights are off. All my horrible memories start to slowly take over me, and soon I'm just left alone with those thoughts in my head, bloodshot eyes and a stuffy nose. Everything only seems to calm down the next morning when i wake up.


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