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Puppy love? Or nah?

I'm not sure if I've blogged about this before, but this is another post that has to do with crushes. I think i would have mentioned different parts of myself in different posts about crushes, so I'm just going to put it all together here. I'm not going to do any research on this topic about why this or why that, because i believe that i am entitled to my own opinions and theories on these sort of things.

I fall too easily. Way too easily. I used to have more than one or two crushes at a time, and even though i know i won't ever have a future with them, i can't choose between them. Surely, most of them are minor crushes, like when i find someone attractive, and suddenly they start talking to me, then i begin to assume a lot of things and end up falling for them even more. If i don't see them a lot, then of course i start to forget about them maybe about a week after. Yes. A week later, at minimum. 

Some of those minor ones would be like that one dude i met at the super market whilst selling cookies. I still think he is the most attractive guy i have ever seen. No kidding when i say that. I have been told i have bad taste, but hey, i swear he was attractive.  >:P

Besides the minor crushes, there are also some of those major crushes, the kind where you can't forget about even when you're dating someone else, or when someone takes an interest in you, and to make the other party happy, you figure out how to love them. I don't think that's wrong right? When you feel guilty of not liking someone that you sort of friendzoned, and try to start liking them? Figuring them out? Trying to force yourself to be more than friends? I don't know.

Anyways, I'm kind of still trying to even figure myself out. Sometimes with all these continuous crushes, i can't even love myself. I don't even know how to solve myself, i don't even know what to do with all these uncontrollable emotions. Maybe its just my 'teenage hormones', but i am quite certain its more than that.

For a long time, i started believing that all this is caused because I've fallen in love with infatuation, with love, with lust. It's fun, really. But it can hurt. Falling for love, can hurt. It was like i started to ignore what that person did to me that i hated, or ignore the signs that obviously showed that it wasn't going to happen. I was just all for love. I was doing this for myself. I was doing it for my fun, for my enjoyment. For that jittery feeling i always feel when i stumble upon that person. For happiness. For a reason to blush and stay up all night thinking about that person. It was all for me. 

Then i started realising something. Everything started changing, i wasn't 'crushing' for myself anymore. Some of it felt like real love, like something i felt that could happen. But obviously, I'm not allowed to date at this age actually, so i won't push it. I'm just letting the feelings flow. That 'real love', though, started to haunt me. I start being so confused, i start thinking about how i can make myself even better for that person. As i keep having so many minor crushes, i start debating on whether i actually 'love' that person for real. I'm not like that though, I'm not a big fan of commitment, but i wouldn't mind fully committing in a relationship in the future if i was more mature. Heh. 

All this has just made my life so, so, so confusing. I don't know if it's normal to be thinking so much about all this at the very age of 15, and i feel like i should be just having fun instead of worrying about all this. I honestly i fully agree with all the adults that tell me i shouldn't be crushing or dating anyone at the moment, because i know i have a lot more to focus on at my age. But it's mot like i can control it??!! I can't control my feelings. I like to just let it flow, and some tell me that it's just a phase. The teenage phase where your uncontrollable hormones cause 'intense' emotions, and suddenly you'd want to have a relationship with someone, maybe peer pressure, it's all seen as puppy love.

I can't stop my emotions from crushing on so many people, real love or not.

You can't force love to happen, nor can you force it to leave.




***

There are probably going to be many butthurt people shaking their heads or rolling their eyes about how stupid i sound to them. About how this really is just a phase, and i'll get over it one day. Maybe i agree with you, maybe i don't. I'm really, really stuck. It's like the posted i uploaded on my birthday talking about how i can't decide between trying to behave like a mature adult, or a teenager(and below).
I appreciate your responses though.

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