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It's rather personal

Okay so maybe i wasn't exactly back for good, since i haven't updated much the last month after that post, but you know the drill. I complain about how busy i am and then i get on with the story, so i'll just skip the whining this time because i have something else to stress about.

Lately i've been feeling really, really upset. It's not the kind of upset at a certain person or something that was done wrong, but i was upset at myself. I'm not going to name any people involved or whatever, but i'd like to just talk about it here. I started attending this tuition class earlier this year to work on my math, because my math is pretty horrible. First few lessons were okay, the teacher was nice, but i was extremely slow. I'm pretty much the slowest in the class. My math started improving quite a bit, and i could actually beat a number of my friends, or at least get a decent score in my exams. So, that's the good part. But i didn't really mention that my class is a slightly advanced class and the practices we do are usually much harder than what we do in school, so even though i might be able to do better in school, i still sucked in that tuition class.

I have always been a late bloomer, and it takes a long time for me to accomplish something or understand certain things that come straight to most people's minds. For that, i have always been labelled as the stupid one or the one who looks as if she wasn't paying attention or was sleeping in class because she does so badly when it comes to schoolwork. I admit that it has always been really painful to look that way to a lot of people, but i always tell myself to just toughen up because i can't let myself be humiliated any further.

Moving on with the story, my tuition teacher started getting a little impatient with me the last month or so because i couldn't move as fast as the rest of the class. It wasn't a big deal, and didn't look like one, but it really affected me. Because, i thought that for once, someone can take me as a person who can actually do something properly, but just needs more time. Why couldn't i actually excel at something? I'm not a competitive person, but i just want to feel like i'm not useless and can actually do something right.

Anyways, i'm pretty okay with the people in my class, but once in a while there would be this guy that was slightly more outspoken than the rest and would tease me about how i couldn't get this or get that. And i know its a joke, but it started to really get to me. It became even worse today, when we had two teachers taking care of us. So there would be the main one that always teaches us, and another lady teacher who would help out.

It started as my main teacher was working on one of my worst topics, which happened to be quite an easy and straightforward topic for most people. I don't know why, but i just can't get certain things right, and the other lady teacher was kind enough to sit next to me and patiently teach me whatever i had to ask. But then my main teacher came to us and openly announced to the lady teacher that "i needed a lot of help and a private tutor", so it doesn't seem much to others but it really affected me. In a way, was he saying that i sucked so much that she had to stay right by me? Perhaps so, but it got to me so much that i was at that one quarter stage of crying where i would start tearing. It really, really, hurts. It makes me feel so vulnerable and useless. But i couldn't cry there because i hate crying in front of people, and it would make me feel even more vulnerable if people start coming to me and comfort me.

To make things even more frustrating for me, i can't just tell my mum all that and get her to enroll me in another class. I hate bringing trouble, and my parents are busy enough, so i really don't want to bother her with my problems. Plus, it would be quite a shame to just give this up and find another tuition teacher after i've been here since the beginning of the year. And no, i can't just "give up" tuition, because my mum would be against it and tell me i need help, and i agree because without tuition, i can't do this myself.

I just really needed some time to release whatever that's inside me right now, so i don't end up breaking down whenever something like that happens to me again. It's like, in real life people look at me as the girl who makes dozens of dirty, lame jokes, and just laughs uncontrollably. On social media and my blog, things change. I can't have people watching me cry. And if i do, i hate it when people try to talk me out of crying or ask if i'm okay. I personally think the best form of comfort for me is a hug, like that's it. I like to cry alone where nobody can see me, and express all of that on social media or my blog, before i look for a friend to talk about it. I always have to cry first, then i get help. I mean, it's nice when someone approaches you and asks if you're alright, but it makes me feel so awkward in real life. Like, through text is so much better. I can never use entertainment to distract me from how i'm feeling, because it's just like a cover up. If i cover it up, i'll breakdown even worse when something else happens.

I think i'll just cry my heart out tonight, and hopefully tomorrow will be much better.


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