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Healing

I've realised something- I haven't been too honest with myself. I'm talking about feelings, thoughts, anything that comes to mind. And I haven't been honest with you, too, those on my blog right now. For those that have been reading my blog for the past almost three years, the first year was fun. Pure, innocent, a 13 year old discovering herself, basically. Second year, a tad bit more emotional and personal. A bit of a break from blogging though, and definitely improvements in my writing. Made some friends online, it was fun.

Remember that affiliates linking thing I had? And that little chat box? Unfortunately, because of my content that has evolved through the years, I removed anything that could link people to my blog. Third year, come on. I pretty much stopped blogging for half a year I think, and mainly because I've gotten busy and I stopped trusting my blog. I've been afraid, you know? So afraid of people finding out how I feel and how I think. I don't like being honest about feelings very much, and I have grown to become more secretive when it comes to emotional thoughts. In a bad way though, it's made me seem more asshole-like. I couldn't answer simple "why" questions because of so many reasons. It's bothering me, too. 

I know that writing is always healing me. I haven't stopped. I've just been relying on different sources for the time being. And I hope you know, whoever that cares out there, that I need time to open up and it's not going to be so easy knowing me. It's not the cliché "I have trust issues, I'm complicated" kind of thing, but I'll be fine. 

Another thought that has also been bothering me lately, is that what if this is all because of my teenage hormones getting out of hand? Maybe I'm just weirdly emotional because I'm on my period. I need to start believing that I will be okay. Everything will be fine as long as I am honest with myself. I am happy, I think. People always tell you to live in the present and not the past or future. But how would you live in the present knowing that your future is going to have an effect on your present, and how your present is basically your future at this moment? I am happy, I think. No, not now. I'm getting emotional. I'm being paranoid. Is this paranoia real though? Maybe if I'll admit and be honest with myself about what's happening, it won't just be "paranoia" anymore. 

Anyway, because of the kind of content I've been publishing lately, I've been wondering if I should make my blog private. It's a really hard decision actually. Because I really enjoyed sharing my life with all of you out there, especially in the first year, but I'm not exactly sure if the content I publish now is something I want to reveal. It's strangely addicting, publishing some emotional, personal thoughts in public and wondering who reads them. And there's a huge adrenaline rush knowing that I sort of "vented" to someone already. But at the same time, I'm not sure if that's such a good idea. 

In addition with writing, I've always thought drawing was my main talent and I'd be able to help myself with it. Well, I've come to realise that, no, even though I can draw well(well, I think so), it's been pretty artificial. Artificial, I mean by drawing whatever you give to me as long as there is a photo reference or something I can draw from. Imagination? I do try, but not so much. Writing has always helped me much more than drawing has. I don't have an exceptional way with words, or superb, flowery vocabulary, but it's something I really treasure. I love drawing, of course. I do get upset when I don't get my little "drawing fix", and drawing does help me when I want to refresh a memory, but it's hard to express myself through my drawings. I know that it's much more than mere lines on a piece of paper. There's shading, tone, use of colour, emotions, and energy all put into it, and there's so much to that, but it hasn't always worked for me. Drawing is incredible. It really is. But writing has really brought wonders to my life the way colours and tone really can't. Sometimes, there's always so much to a black and white painting. The lack of colour doesn't mean that the tone, shading, or work put into it isn't good as a full colour painting.

With that said, wow. I really love writing. The amount of appreciation I have for language, words, and letters being invented is huge. It's incredible how writing doesn't just bring my thoughts to life, but it emphasises and puts it all out onto simple letters, words, phrases and sentences. It's amazing, really. Isn't it interesting how these letters say so much? How they're just thoughts and emotions poured out in different ways. The curve of a lower case "a". The perfect repetition of connecting lines angled in a "w". Maybe this is art. 


Anyway, this was great. A little venting and some personal thoughts here and there. I'll try to do this more often.

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It's my birthday.

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The third blogoversary is in a few days now, and i honestly don't have much prepared to post because i'm just rotting at home. But since this is merely a life blog, i'm just gonna say some things to my future self.
1. Stop over reacting
2. Stop being so paranoid
3. You know that saying all this won't help with your paranoia, but just calm down.
4. Everything is gonna be fineeee

Anyway, i don't have much left. To be honest, i'm not sure if i've just forgotten that this MY blog and i can post anything i want, but i think i've gotten a little afraid of revealing my feelings. I have all these secrets and everything that are so hard to just express and even tiny things can be hidden through simple questions and i can't even tell people the reasons why i don't want to do this or i don't want to do that. I don't have anything to hide, honestly, but i'm just afraid that whatever i say will be used against me. This also made me feel really gu…